How to Persevere

Speaker 1 (00:02):

Hi, I am Brian Mosley, our team here at right now. Media loves serving the church. We believe the mission to church matters and that your leadership matters. Whether you're watching this message by yourself or with your leadership team, we hope that it's an encouragement to you. In this session, Sharon Howie Miller shares a vulnerable message that challenges every ministry leader. Take an honest look at their own motivations.

Speaker 2 (00:29):

So almost 20 years ago, I stood in a field that was just about an hour north of here in Sherman, Texas. Some of y'all know where I'm going with this. I'm surrounded by thousands of other young people my age at an event called Passion one Day. Who was at that event? Was anyone at that event? Some of you're at that event. I'm giving away my age by sharing how long I just graduated from college, and this event was pivotal for me in my life. In my calling, I can trace back a lot of where I find myself today to that moment, and I remember so much about it. I remember the night before that event because it was just one day we were outside in a field and the night before this event, this violent thunderstorm rolls in and it shakes the campground. And I'll never forget that morning Beth Moore gets up and she warns us.

(01:33):

She says, you have to be careful when you pray for God to show up because he just might do it. And we're all like just amazing mic drop moments. That was also the first time that I heard John Piper preach. And I was like, who is this guy who is very scary but also inspiring at the same time? And so I remember so much from that event. I remember being just swept up in the passion of that day. And I remember that was the moment where I committed to myself and to God that I would go wherever he called me, that I would make any sacrifice, I would pay any cost. I was so full of hope. And it was on that day that I made the commitment that whatever Jesus asked of me, the answer was yes.

(02:39):

Well, fast forward 20 years, my husband and I are now church planters and we planted our church about four years ago, which means that the majority of the life of our church has been in a pandemic, which I do not. Zero stars, two thumbs down. But the truth of the matter is God has been just extravagantly kind to our church. He has been very, very faithful and generous to our church. And yet at the same time, the last few years of ministry have been brutal. They have been full of pain. And there was a moment a few months ago where there had been another wound that had come our way and my husband and I, we were on a walk together, we lead our church together and we're on this walk and we're just processing what has just happened. And my husband looks at me and he just says, how do we keep doing this? Because at that point we were reaching into this well of emotional reserves and we were scraping the bottom. There was just nothing left. We were just absolutely wrecked.

(04:09):

So standing here today, not far off from that place where I stood 20 years ago, I look back on that day and I can see that what I experienced was real. The hand of God was on my life in that moment. It was real. It was powerful and it was important. But also I had no idea what I was signing up for and how could I understand when I declared that I would count the cost, how difficult that would be. And so I stand here feeling the distance between who I am now and who I was then and realizing that I am much more prone to cynicism than hope. And that in place of passion, the thing that is much closer to the surface right now is pain. And on a lot of days the thing that is closer to the surface or bubbling over the surface is anger.

(05:24):

And so about a year and a half ago, it might've even been two years ago, as I was realizing kind of the toll that leading through the pandemic was really taking on my spiritual emotional health, I got really serious about figuring out how do I keep going? How do I persevere? I want to finish this race well. And so I've been praying, I've been studying, but one thing that I've also done is every time I've had five minutes or more with another leader who has been in ministry longer than I have been, who has been leading in a church longer than I have been, I have asked them every question that I can think of about this. How do I keep my heart soft? How do I keep going? How do I finish? Well, what sort of internal work do I need to be engaged in to persevere?

(06:14):

And about a year ago, I was with a leader who has been sort of a mentor in my life. And she used to be on staff at a large church that you all know led by a pastor that you all know who exploded his entire ministry. And the fallout of that has been catastrophic. And so she has also been processing this, but she has the benefit of just many more years lived than I have. And so we were talking, it was a group of us, a group of young leaders, and one thing that she decided to share with us was something that had also been shared with her by someone else. And it had been helpful to her. And it was this explanation of how pastors fall. And as soon as she said that, my ears perked up because we're all listening to the podcast about the rise and fall of different pastors.

(07:13):

And this is something that really hypothetically, but this is something that if you're really committed to Jesus, every time you hear these stories, it sends like a chill down your spine. It's very sobering. And so she wanted to share this and what she shared, it was so helpful to me and I've spent the last year really unpacking it. And so I actually want to share that with you today in the hopes that it will be helpful to you as well. And I want to give credit to the person who originated this cycle. It's a guy named Jim Demer who is also a leader. He has worked for churches as well. But if you want to go ahead and put, there should be a graphic. Okay, so why pastor's fall? I want to explain this to you very briefly. So it starts out at the top with obligation.

(08:06):

A pastor's days are filled with have tos. Instead of want tos. We are constantly doing what we should, what is expected of us, not necessarily because it is what we want to do, what is life giving to us? But because we are the pastor. And then over time, what ends up happening is this can sour into resentment. And one of the reasons it sours is just from exhaustion and overwhelm. But another reason that it happens is because of this lack of appreciation, a lack of acknowledgement. I was just talking to a friend of mine yesterday who is a pastor and he was sharing something that is going to sound so familiar to all of you where he says, we show up for the weddings, we show up for the funerals. We show up at 2:00 AM at the hospitals when people in our church are in crisis.

(08:59):

But as soon as we say something from the pulpit that they disagree with, they are out the door. And it's true and it's funny, but it's also very painful. And so that's how it makes the rounds into resentment. But over time, what ends up happening is this then transitions into entitlement. Why you deserve special treatment, why you deserve special perks because of how hard you have it because of all that you do for the church and all that you do for God. And unfortunately what ends up happening is you then start making exceptions for why your own teaching does not apply to you because you are doing what no one else is doing. And in that mental state, you end up compartmentalizing different behaviors that you would otherwise condemn. And so as you're looking to cope with this pain and exhaustion that then funnels into unhealthy forms of escape that you have compartmentalize.

(10:08):

Maybe it is a substance that you're abusing. Maybe it is someone other than your spouse, but you've compartmentalized it because this person understands me unlike anyone else. This is the only person that understands how hard I have it, or maybe I need this substance in order to sustain the level of ministry that I am currently operating at. But we have all these ways that we make excuses for it. And yet at the same time, deep down you know that it is wrong. And so you feel guilty and you need to relieve that guilt. And so that then funnels you back into obligation and around and around it goes. Now, when I first saw this graph, there were two things that stood out to me. The first is what we do not see in that chart is narcissism.

(11:08):

And for me that is the thing that has been given so much attention is narcissism and all the ways that this leads to abuse of power. And I agree those are important. We need to pay attention to that in ourselves. But it was striking to me that that was not in this cycle. But the second thing that stood out to me about this was that word resentment. Because I saw that and recognized as much as I feel like I am safe from narcissism, resentment, I am there. I am there already. I have started rounding the bend to step two of skidding out in ministry. And so ever since then I've been reflecting on that. And as Providence would have it, I guess I should say shortly after this mentor shared this with me and this group, I happen to read First Kings 19 and reading the story of Elijah is what really crystallized this for me and really drove it home.

(12:19):

And so that's what I want to do with you and our remaining time is to read the story of Elijah and his own burnout. And this is going to be a story that is familiar to a lot of you, but as I read it, I want you to have that filter of that cycle. I want you to keep that in mind and run this story through that filter because you're going to see he's checking off a lot of these boxes. And so we're going to be in one Kings 19 versus one through 10. And just to give you a little bit of context, if you haven't been in one Kings in a while that what's happened just before this chapter is that Elijah has defeated the prophets of Baal and Jezebel hears about this. And so she basically orders his execution. She wants him dead.

(13:08):

And so that's where we're going to pick up in one Kings 19, one through 10 it says, now Ahab told Jezebel everything Elijah had done and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, may the Gods deal with me, be it ever so severely if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them. Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba and Judah, he left his servant there. While he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, he came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. I have had enough Lord take my life. I'm no better than my ancestors. Then he laid down under the bush and fell asleep all at once. An angel touched him and said, get up and eat.

(14:04):

He looked around and thereby his head with some bread baked over hot coals and a jar of water, he ate and drank and then laid down again. The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, get up and eat for the journey is too much for you. So he got up and ate and drank, strengthened by that food. He traveled 40 days and 40 nights until he reached hob the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night and the word of the Lord came to him. What are you doing here, Elijah? He replied, I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left and now they're trying to kill me too.

(15:00):

So I'm going to pause there and tell you that the first thing that stood out to me when I read this passage shortly after being introduced to this cycle of burnout was verse 10, notice what Elijah says. I have been very zealous for the Lord, the Israelites, though they have rejected your covenant, I am the only one left. So he's going to God basically saying, look how righteous I have been. Nobody else has been as righteous as me. I am all alone. And the reason that this stood out to me is I have said that I have felt that that self-imposed isolation of no one else is as faithful as I am. No one else has it as hard as I have. No one appreciates what I have done. But what we see when we turn back just a chapter or two prior, that this statement is not true.

(16:14):

Elijah saying, I'm the only prophet that's left and there are literally hundreds of other prophets left. And so what that means is that this is not a factual statement. It is an emotional one. Elijah is rounding the bend between resentment and entitlement. And that's why he is experiencing the isolation and despair of what is really the cocktail of resentment and entitlement, which is self-righteousness, the unhappiness of self-righteousness. And so as I read this story with that cycle in the back of my mind, and I reflected on my cynicism and I reflected on my resentment and my bitterness and my self-righteousness about this calling, that was the first time when I realized that this self-righteousness I'm feeling is not because I'm right, it's because I am not okay. I am spiritually unwell. And that has been so helpful for me ever since that whenever that sometimes righteous anger that I feel whenever it starts to sour into resentment towards my church, towards my people, that is a red flag that I need to take a beat and I need to trace my way back up that cycle and figure out what is going on inside of my heart.

(17:43):

And so if there's no other takeaway for you today that is really the homework I really hope you'll do either after this session or tonight or later this week, is to take some time to reflect where am I experiencing resentment in ministry right now? And then to trace it back up to the top and ask what is feeding it? Because the truth of the matter is I don't think that obligation is the only thing that is. What I have discovered in the last year of reflecting on this and reflecting on the story of Elijah is that when I look at this story and when I look at my heart, I actually see three things that are feeding resentment in my life. The first is the original obligation, and we see that in Elijah's story. Up until this moment, Elijah's ministry has actually been jam packed.

(18:34):

This is only our third chapter with Elijah in one kings. But up until this moment, he has performed miracles. He has resurrected a dead person. He has humiliated and defeated the prophets of Baal. He has spoken truth to power. And so he has been very, very busy. But one thing that we do not know is the orientation of his heart throughout all of this. Is he doing this as an overflow of God's love for him or is he doing this to prove himself in some way? And we don't really know the answer to that question until he comes to God and says, look at all I have done that's telling, isn't it? Look at all I have done. And then all of a sudden we realize, okay, this wasn't just life giving to you. There's a hint here of works righteousness and what we know about works righteousness is that what it'll do is burn you out. It'll exhaust you. And so that's why when he comes to God with this self-righteousness, God does not argue with him. God does not rationalize with him. The angel of the Lord says, you need a snack.

(19:51):

You're hangry. You need to rest. And so a hundred percent obligation is something that feeds resentment for a lot of us in ministry. And so if that's you, that might be a red flag that you need to honor the Sabbath. You need to rest. You need to take care of yourself. You need boundaries. You need to get enough sleep. You need to take care of your body. You need to exercise. You need to eat healthy. You need to learn to say no, and you need to practice the Sabbath, not just for the sake of your physical and mental and spiritual health because some of us need to be reminded that it is not us who is accomplishing the kingdom of God in this world.

(20:38):

That is what my husband and I really took to heart actually in the last year, was the importance of having boundaries and resting and taking more time off and making sure when we come home from work that we're not talking about church and making sure that our staff is doing the same and really having those firm boundaries and taking rest seriously. It really did help a lot. But at the same time, one thing that I realized after making these changes is that as helpful as it was, it didn't fix the problem. It didn't address that resentment, that bitterness, that anger that was still in my heart. And when we look at the story of Elijah, we see that it didn't heal him either because that statement that he made, that ridiculous statement, I am the only one left. He said that after he rested and ate.

(21:46):

This is important friends, because we are in this moment that is all about boundaries, right? All about boundaries and boundaries are important. Rhythms of Sabbath are necessary for the sustainability of ministry, but we cannot simply rest our way into spiritual health and we cannot rest our way into ministry longevity because the truth is there is more feeling our resentment than obligation and exhaustion for a lot of us here. For most of us here it is being fueled by pain. And that brings us to the second source of resentment that honestly I think is probably what most of us are bringing in here today, which is relationship wounds. That's actually what Elijah names when he says why I am so burned out, he names the unfaithfulness of the Israelites. He names loneliness. He names a plot on his life. These are interpersonal conflicts. For a lot of us walking in here, we are experiencing resentment because of very specific wounds from people in our church.

(23:08):

Now, whenever we experience these wounds, grief is a healthy and natural reaction. But the reason that we round that bend from that relationship pain into resentment is that if it's left untreated, if it is left unacknowledged, it will curdle into resentment. And so I want to name two specific relationship wounds that you might be dealing with right now. The first I just mentioned, which is wounds from people in our churches. This is something that we have a marriage counselor that over the years we've been with her for 12 years and over the years we've sort of just brought in everything. She's just like our junk drawer counselor. And so I'm like, Ike and I are good. Can we talk about this today? And one of the things that we've been working on over the last couple of years is empathy. And she's always saying with empathy, you understand why someone responded the way that they did. Whether or not you agree with it, you understand. And that is for you, that will help you. And this is a concept that by golly, I cannot get into my bones because at the end of the day, I don't care why they did it, they're wrong.

(24:31):

My flesh wants to be bitter and unhappy, and that is what my flesh wants. And so that's how for a lot of us, we get stuck in that place where our relationship pain morphs into resentment because we would rather be right than be free. But for some of us, there's another wound. And this is much more under the surface, but this is very common. And I really believe this is one of the number one things that is taking out pastors left and right, and that is wounds from your childhood. This is something that my husband has been really open about. His dad was an alcoholic and prior to the pandemic had done a lot of work to understand how this had affected him. But there was something about the pandemic that just seemed to put extra pressure on any of those remaining cracks in the foundation of his soul.

(25:31):

And I know there are a lot of you who that is your story, and if you have not dealt with this, you'll end up transferring all the baggage from your parent onto your church. And so that's why it's so important that we do not soldier on past these wounds. We have to clean them out, we have to examine them. And that is why in the midst of this back and forth between Elijah and God where he's just making all these ridiculous statements and God isn't even arguing at them, at some point, God in the middle of all of it just stops and asks, what are you doing here, Elijah? What are you doing here? And this is a rhetorical question. It's one where God is pleading with him to stop and self-examine. It's why God actually asks him this question again and again and again. And unfortunately, Elijah is not able to answer this question honestly. Every single time God is asking her, can you just take a beat and examine how you got to this place of despair so quickly? And instead, all that Elijah does every single time is to throw another pity party for himself. He is never able to answer this question honestly.

(27:03):

And friends, I implore you not to do what Elijah has done. I implore you to do this work of self-examination instead of soldiering on through your pain. As my husband often says, just because you bury something doesn't mean it's dead. Some of you need counseling to process what has been done to you in the last couple of years by people in your church. Some of you need counseling to process what was done to you as a kid. Some of you need to carve out time in your weeks for prayer and contemplation to check back in and understand why you are responding to situations the way that you are. And this is something that my husband also does very, very well, not because, and he would be the first to say it's not because he's a really good Christian, but it's out of necessity. Every Monday morning he carves out time for prayer, for reading scripture, but also really digging into why am I feeling anxiety about this staff meeting that I have coming up?

(28:14):

Or why did I wake up feeling just blah about this week and really submitting it to the Holy Spirit to search him so that he could understand it better. But we have to create the space to do this internal work so that we can direct our wounds rather than our wounds directing us. So that's the second source of resentment for a lot of us. And then the final one that I want to name today, this is the one that convicted me so badly. I wrote a whole book about it this year and we see this in Elijah's story. You see, one thing that you might've missed about Elijah, if you're not super familiar about this story is that all of this happens very, very early in Elijah's ministry. He's actually only been doing this profit gig for three years, and up until this moment, everything has worked out.

(29:21):

It has been up into the right for Elijah. All he does is win. And chapter 19 is the first moment when it doesn't work out. This is the first moment where he faces a major obstacle, a major fear. And it's not that having a governing authority put out a warrant for your arrest and execution isn't a minor thing. And so I don't want to poo poo that, but we see this huge shift in Eliza where he's just bold and he's kicking tail and taking names and all that. And then here he, he's not coming to God saying, I'm really frightened right now, or I'm really discouraged. Instead, he's like, well, I might as well be dead.

(30:08):

And this gives us insight into Elijah's expectations of ministry, and it highlights the final source of resentment in his heart, which is his relationship with control. For a lot of us, we think that the way that control sabotages a leader or the relationship between control and leadership is when a leader is controlling, they lead through intimidation or coercion or creating a culture of fear. But one of the things that actually reveals your relationship with control is how you respond when things don't go your way, or specifically when your people don't do what you want them to do. How do you respond when your people don't agree with your very well thought out reason for why you led through the pandemic the way that you did? How do you respond when people don't accept your biblical explanations for engaging in justice? How do you respond when the people that you discipled and mentored and poured yourself into and invested in don't choose a holy and biblical path for their lives? How do you respond? Do you release them because you have done all that you can and you entrust them into the hands of God or do you begrudge them?

(31:44):

I can tell you what I typically do, which is to begrudge them. I respond as if they have not held up their end of the deal as if my teaching and biblical insight is a formula that delivers results. So if they don't respond, I think that they should then what is wrong with them? And that is a control issue. When we blame our people for not responding as they should, we are overestimating our influence over them, which is why we resent them when they fail. Obligation, relationship wounds control. These are three sources of resentment in my own heart and in Elijah's, but I suspect there are many more. I mostly just hope that this was illuminating for you, that this name something that whenever that is bubbling up in you, you can say, red flag, I am not okay, and this is taking me on a track I don't want to be on. This is the path to skidding out of ministry. I hope that in that moment you can trace back up around that cycle and ask what is really going on and what is really needed.

(33:07):

But as I close, I want to confess to you what I really wish is that I could have come to you with a silver bullet because a lot of your suffering, and I wish I could have stood before you and said, I've figured it out, you guys. I've figured out how to overcome this resentment. I've solved it. And here's the answer. And I cannot say that I'm with you in this struggle. But there's one final thing that has been a source of comfort to me in this very, very difficult season of ministry. And that's what I want to close with today by reading the end of Elijah's story, one Kings 19. This is perhaps the best known part of his story. It says, the Lord said, go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord. For the Lord is about to pass by then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord. But the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came, a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

(34:51):

When I look back on my 22-year-old self, I admire her passion and her hope. I would not change that a bit, but ultimately, what sabotaged her was her vision. Because as much as Jesus was a part of what I was dreaming about, really what I was dreaming about was me doing great things for God. I wanted the wind. I wanted the earthquake. I wanted the fire. But that is not actually what any of us are called to. And when we fail to make this distinction, when we think it is our job to accomplish God's kingdom on earth, we make his yoke so much heavier than it was ever meant to be. What we are actually called to is quieter and more modest than changing the world. All that we are really, really called to your work. Forget what the people at your church are saying, what your elder board is saying, whoever it is, your work is to draw close to Jesus, to be loved by him and to be transformed into his image. That is it. That is your job. Nothing less than that, but also nothing more. And the good news is this calling is perfectly positioned for it.

(36:38):

And so 20 years later, with a lot more humility and brokenness, I can still say yes to that. Thank you.

Speaker 1 (36:57):

I'm so grateful for Sharon's insight and her encouragement to us to be radically honest with ourselves. I don't want to miss this opportunity to encourage you to prayerfully assess yourself. Are you on that downward cycle that Sharon talked about? What would it look like for you to reject entitlement in your own ministry?

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